Hello fellow Query Kombaters! (that's not a word, is it?)
I've revised my query based on your
awesome feedback, but the original is below in teeny tiny print. If anyone
happens to stop by again, feel free to rip the new one apart!
Seth Halloway knows the religious
books have it wrong. He and his team of Sifters traveled from another plane to
Earth, where they mark morally corrupt humans for the Voidmaster. After their
deaths, most souls move on to an afterlife in the haven. Sifter-marked souls,
however, end up in the void, waging war on the haven's automated defense system
in a desperate attempt to escape the void's lack of everything.
Seventeen-year-old Neve has been
identified as the future destroyer of the Voidmaster's team of Sifters. So no
task is more important to Seth than convincing her to join the Voidmaster's
side before she can banish them to the eternal battlefield. When every method
of corruption his team devises falls short, he spends night after night
searching her dreams for her weaknesses. And it's not long before her wit and
care breathe life into his long-believed dead spirit.
Despite knowing his continued dream
visits put Neve's sanity at risk, Seth can't stop, even if he wanted to.
Failure to condemn Neve would mean centuries of torture on the void's
battleground for him and his loyal team. But to succeed, he'll have to break
the girl he spends every night with...and his own heart.
MARK OF THE SIFTER is a dual-POV, YA
contemporary fantasy novel featuring a multi-cultural cast. It is complete at
82K words, stands alone, and has the potential for a companion novel.
old version
Seth Halloway knows the religious
books have it wrong. He travelled to Earth from another plane and lives on our
world with his team of Sifters, marking morally corrupt humans for the
Voidmaster. After their deaths, most souls move on to an afterlife in the
haven. Sifter-marked souls, however, end up in the void, waging war on the
haven's automated defense system in a desperate attempt to escape the void's
lack of everything.
Seventeen-year-old Neve has been
identified as the future destroyer of the Voidmaster's team of Sifters. So no
task is more important than convincing her to join his side before she banishes
them to the void's eternal battlefield. When every method of corruption his
team devises falls short, he spends night after night with her, searching her
dreams for her weaknesses. And it's not long before her wit and care breathe
life into his long-believed dead spirit.
Despite knowing his continued dream
visits put Neve's sanity at risk, Seth can't stop, even if he wanted to.
Failure to condemn Neve would mean centuries of torture on the void's
battleground for him and his loyal team. But to succeed, he'll have to break
the girl he spends every night with...and his own heart.
I remember this from thewvoice I thought it was great the way it was. I'd love to read it as is.
ReplyDeleteSounds good to me.
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT! I wouldn't mind reading the whole MS.
ReplyDeleteSomething did catch my eye though in the 3rd sentence, 2nd paragraph. May want to clarify this: '...corruption his team devises [to entice Neve] falls short...'
Good luck in the contest!
I don't envy you Spec writers and your need to get your whole world into a small query but you do a great job here of setting up the stakes.
ReplyDeleteI have only one nitpick and I may be the only person confused by this, but where you wrote "So no task is more important than convincing her to join his side before she banishes them to the void's eternal battlefield. " I had to read back a few times to verify that "his side" was the "voidmaster's side" because the only antecedent in the preceding sentence is "voidmaster's team of sifters" and it took me time to parse out who the "he" in that was.
Great job and good luck!
Hey, Laura! What a fun idea! I wish you all luck. Here are some nitpicks -- hope they're helpful!
ReplyDeleteSeth Halloway knows the religious books have it wrong. He travelled [does this have only one l?] to Earth from another plane and lives on our world with his team of Sifters, marking morally corrupt humans for the Voidmaster [a little explanation of who this is?]. After their deaths, most souls move on to an afterlife in the haven. Sifter-marked souls, however, end up in the void, waging war on the haven's automated defense system in a desperate attempt to escape the void's lack of everything.
Seventeen-year-old Neve has been identified as the future destroyer of the Voidmaster's team of Sifters, so no task is more important [to the Voidmaster] than convincing her to join his side before she banishes them [who?] to the void's eternal battlefield. When every method of corruption his team devises falls short, he spends night after night with her [in bed? in her room?], searching her dreams for her weaknesses. And it's not long before her wit and care breathe life into his long-believed dead spirit.
Despite knowing his continued dream visits put Neve's sanity at risk, Seth can't stop, even if he wanted to [wait, is he the one visiting her at night? or the voidmaster?]. Failure to condemn Neve would mean centuries of torture on the void's battleground for him and his loyal team. But to succeed, he'll have to break the girl he spends every night with...and his own heart.
MARK OF THE SIFTER is a dual-POV, YA contemporary fantasy novel featuring a multi-cultural cast. It is complete at 82K words, stands alone, and has the potential for a companion novel.
Again, very fun, and good luck!
I love your second and third paragraphs, but the first I got a bit lost in. I get you have to set up your world, which is no easy task, but desires a clearer image. I do LOVE your first line. Please keep! Based off what I read I shall try and help:
ReplyDelete"Seth Halloway knows the religious books have it wrong. He [and his team of Sifters] travelled to Earth from a different plane, marking morally corrupt humans for the Voidmaster [who is?]. [After death, souls continue to an afterlife in the haven, but Sifter-marked souls are trapped in the void, a place of nothing. They spend eternity (?)] attacking the haven't defense systems [attempting to escape the nothingness of the void].
Last thing with the second paragraph. Instead of "so no task," Seth's name needs to be dropped again for clarification. Maybe "Seth finds no task..."
I hope this helps and good luck!
Wow, this is cool. I am not skilled in this genre, but I'll give it a go.
ReplyDeleteSince you bring up religious books at the start, I would like to see use of terms heaven and hell as they relate to what he knows is really the truth. Presumably the haven is a heaven like existence? Maybe give it a word that makes it sound like the nice option.
The stakes and characters sound good. I am having trouble envisioning what kind of setting I am in for most of the story.
Good job and good luck!
This sounds like an awesome twist to the angel and demon story line! I want to read the MS!
ReplyDeleteThe only place I got hung up was the second paragraph. I believe Judy summed it up nicely above. There are a couple places if you can clarify as to who you are referring to, it will really make your query pop! But I really enjoyed reading this! Good luck!
Thank you so much, everyone! Your feedback and encouragement is amazing. For everyone who commented on the first paragraph - that has definitely been the stickiest part of the whole query. Build a world in a paragraph - bah! I made some changes. Hope they helped.
ReplyDeleteGreat changes! It really is much clearer now. Good job. Just a couple more nit-picky things (that's what you want, right? :) )
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph looks great.
Seventeen-year-old Neve has been identified as the future destroyer of the Voidmaster's team of Sifters COMMA so no task is more important to Seth than convincing her to join the Voidmaster's side before she can banish them to the eternal battlefield. When every method of corruption his team devises falls short, he spends night after night searching her dreams for her weaknesses. [delete And] It's not long before her wit and care breathe life into his long-believed dead spirit.
Despite knowing his continued dream visits put Neve's sanity at risk, Seth can't stop, even if he wantS to [keeps tense the same]. Failure to condemn Neve would mean centuries of torture on the void's battleground for him and his loyal team. But to succeed, he'll have to break the girl he spends every night with...and his own heart.
Again, great job!
You're wonderful, Judy! YES, I do want nit-picky comments. Thank you for reading for me again.
Delete