Sunday, November 9, 2014

Fall 1st Page Critique Blog Hop: BENEATH OUR SKIN


Michelle Hauck is hosting the Fall 1st Page Critique Blog Hop. To participate, post your first page onto your blog. It can be any genre or age category, but list it at the top. Keep your first page to no more than 250 words, and add your post to the linky list on this page. Then you critique ten first pages (five below and five above your entry on the linky list). You get ten critiques in return.

Here's the first page of my WIP. I appreciate any and all feedback you have! 
Genre: YA Science Fiction (historical-type setting)

image by John Lemieux via Flickr

Revision 2

My rope arced through the moonlit night and slid down the wooden fence to land at my feet. Again. Damn.

Panting echoed from the empty yard beyond the eight-foot fence—the blacksmith's dog must have heard me. I coiled the rope and tossed it a third time. Finally, it caught the top of the post. I yanked it to test the strength, then braced my feet against the slats and scrambled up.

At the top, the points of the boards dug into my torso as I twisted the rope around so it would fall into the yard and provide me an escape route. The big black mutt gazed up at me, sniffing for the treat I'd brought him. Or smelling me. By now, we were old friends. He hadn't barked at me in weeks.

I held onto the top of the fence and dangled my legs into the yard, wood scraping my hands as I fell onto my backside. I stood, wiping my palms on my thighs. Barely a scratch, no big deal.

The dog whined softly, and I pulled my ration of meat for this week out of my pocket. My mouth watered, but I tossed it to the dog. A small price for a glimpse of freedom. The chicken wing and breast disappeared in seconds.

The fence cast deep shadows where I stood, so I moved out into the yard, straining to glimpse silver or black in the sand.
 
(a little note: what she's looking for in the sand is found in the next paragraph. I'm still trying to decide if I need to move it into this last sentence since everyone is so curious...)

Revision 1

My rope arced up through the moonlit night and slid down the wooden fence. Again. Damn.

The sound of panting echoed through the empty yard beyond the eight-foot fence—the blacksmith's dog must have heard me. I coiled the rope and tossed it a third time. Finally, it caught the top of the post. I yanked it several times to test the strength, then braced my feet against the planks and scrambled up.

At the top, the points of the planks dug into my torso as I twisted the rope around so it would fall into the yard and provide me an escape route. The big, black mutt stood silently at the bottom, gazing up at me, sniffing for the treat I'd brought him. Or smelling me. By now, we were old friends. He hadn't barked at me in weeks.

I held onto the top of the fence and dangled my legs into the yard, wood scraping my hands as I fell onto my backside. When I stood, I wiped my palms on my thighs. Barely a scratch, no big deal.

The dog whined softly, and I pulled my ration of meat for this week out of my pocket. My mouth watered, but I tossed it to the dog. A small price for a glimpse of freedom. The chicken wing and breast disappeared in seconds.

The fence cast deep shadows where I stood, so I moved out into the yard, straining to glimpse silver or black in the sand.

Original Version

My rope arced through the darkness and slid down the wooden fence. Again. I cursed under my breath. Panting echoed through the empty yard beyond the fence—the blacksmith's dog must have heard me. I coiled the rope and tossed it a third time, and finally, it caught the top of the post. I yanked it several times to test the strength, then I braced my feet against the planks and scrambled up.

At the top, the points of the planks dug into my torso as I twisted the rope around so it would fall into the yard and provide me an escape route. The big, black mutt stood silently at the bottom, gazing up at me, sniffing for the treat I'd brought him. Or he was smelling me. By now, we were old friends. He hadn't barked at me in weeks.

I held onto the top of the fence and dangled my legs into the yard, wood scraping my hands until I finally let go and fell ungracefully onto my backside. Good thing the dog was the only one to see me. He whined softly, and I pulled my ration of meat for this week out of my pocket. My mouth watered, but I tossed it to the dog. A small price for a glimpse of freedom. The chicken wing and breast disappeared in seconds.

The fence cast deep shadows where I stood, so I moved out into the yard, straining to glimpse silver or black in the sand.

16 comments:

  1. You've got some amazing imagery here and a good sense of progression. You've definitely started in the middle of the action.

    OK, copy edits (which I try not to do and you should entirely ignore!):
    -I recommend a carriage return after "Again."
    -Removing the "and" from " and finally, it caught" and turning it into a sentence would make this stronger.

    OK, now, for the feedback.
    Your introduction is technically fine, but the one thing I don't have is anything to latch onto for the MC.

    Name? Gender? Time? Place? Purpose?

    I'm going to be spending the next couple hundred pages investing in the MC, not in the rope or the fence or the dog, so the beat I want hit hard is who this person is and why I'm caring about their adventure.

    Hope this helps!

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  2. The thing I like the most about this is your character's interaction with the dog, it says a lot about your character that he's taken the time to make this dog his friend and I want to know what would motivate him to give up meat he clearly wants. What is he doing? What is he escaping? I think there is quite a lot of telling here. You tell us all about how MC is trying to get over the fence and that's cool and a potentially good source of conflict, but at the same time it's all external. Where's the disappointment and nerves each time the rope misses? How does it feel to hit the fence? Get the splinter in his hand, etc. You say these things happen but it goes by so fast with such matter of fact-ness that it's hard to really see the import of such things. The charming thing about first person is that, if you want to, you can go deep in your characters head and really convey how each important event personally effects them. I want to feel his annoyance at the rope not doing it's thing, his pain at hitting the fence wrong. Does he pry out the splinter or leave it where it is. Is he scraped, bleeding? I'm assuming he doesn't go over the fence unscathed. How do these feelings and physical stuff effect his interaction with the dog? When he hits the ground does the wind get knocked out of him? Does the dog, who knows he's here with tasty snacks, mob him with licks and cold nosing? You have a lot of room to go into way more detail here, and I think it could be really, really interesting. Good luck and I hope this helps.

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  3. Hmm I read this a few times and I'm not finding a lot to "critique" so I will start with what I liked.. I like how we are getting little parts of the story while we read. We learn that the mc's been doing this same thing for "weeks" and that he or she doesn't get much to eat since he's choosing to give his ration to the dog.

    I suppose the more I think about it, the beginning struggle to get the rope over the fence post is the one part of the story that doesn't give us info about the mc, unless this comes into play later.

    I did enjoy reading this and definitely wanted to know what the draw was over the fence. It must be something really good if he was giving up his food to the dog to get to it.

    Good luck with this!!

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  4. BUT WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCEEEE

    (in other words: Good job!)

    If MC isn't afraid of the blacksmith's dog, and if they are old friends, then why is there such a rush to get over the fence? I mean, apart from the obvious "doing something that is not allowed" vibe that you communicate quite strongly. I also agree with Jessica--tease our senses a bit. Make us feel as if we were actually *there*, clambering over the fence as well.

    Great writing! :)

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  5. If it's dark, how can she/he see the rope? Why is she/he cursing?

    I need a goal and a bit about the person so I can identify and want to read on and root for her/him. Consider putting the MC's name and show her/him a bit, then action.

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  6. Hi!
    I really enjoyed this! To be honest, there's nothing I can complain about. I haven't the slightest idea who your character is, and for some odd reason, I don't care. I'm totally invested in this person already! I'm sad I don't know what happens next :(

    Well done!

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  7. You've got a good start right in the middle of the action here, but my biggest hang up is that I have no idea what this fence looks like. Initially I was imaging more of a fence post (like Old West, hitch the horse to it), but obviously this fence is much less scalable than that would be. I also wonder how close the MC is to the fence. Again, throwing the rope at it made me think it was further away, but since the MC climbs it, he/she must be standing right next to it. I like where you say the points at the top dig into his/her torso. That illustrates that the fence isn't supposed to be easy to get over. Starting in the action is great, but I feel like I need a little more grounding to feel like I am there with the MC. Good luck!

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  8. Thanks so much to everyone who has given feedback so far. I can't wait to take your ideas and figure out what I want to change!

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  9. I'm definitely curious about what's happening on the other side of the fence - good job!
    As always, this is so subjective, so take what you need and leave the rest!
    I agree with others that your atmospherics are great. That said, I also agree that I would like more sense of your MC's motivation right up front so I can care more. Is s/he searching for something? Stealing? Is there a sense of urgency? Is s/he worried? Also, I'd be careful of too much sequencing: For example: "....wood scraping my hands until I finally let go and fell ungracefully onto my backside" If you just tell us she fell on her backside, it's clear s/he fell and also that it was ungraceful. (!)
    Good luck!
    #21 SPOOKY JANE

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  10. You hooked me because now I want to know what happens next.

    The part about the ration of meat gave me a glimpse of the MC's circumstances by showing and not telling. Great work with that.

    I want to know more about the MC, but that's the only thing I'd suggest adding to this. Otherwise, I'm hooked!

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  11. I'm very curious to know what exactly the MC sees on the other side of the fence! Overall, I like this despite the relative lack of details about the MC. We know he's motivated enough to give up his dinner for a glimpse of "freedom" and we know he's persistent enough to come back night after night. I think that might be enough for the first page.

    There were a few places, though, where the language could use some polishing. For example, I keep getting tripped up over "Panting echoed." The sound of panting? A dog's panting? It feels like it needs another word.

    Same with "Or he was smelling me." Maybe just "or smelling me"? Seems like that might flow better.

    I feel like "ungracefully" could be cut. MC fell on their butt, so the lack of grace is already implied, no?

    Just tightening things up a tiny bit would make a little bit more room for description of the yard--I'm still sitting here wondering why there's black and silver sand in a blacksmith's yard and how the MC can see freedom from inside a fence high enough to scale with a rope? A few more details will ground us in the scene and make sure we turn to page two.

    Best of luck!

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  12. I'll echo what a few others have said. I think it's a great scene and you bring in great elements to make it compelling (the dog, the meat, the repeated attempts with the rope). We definitely want to know what's on the other side of the fence and what's going on. I do worry that the way you've set it up opens the door for disappointment. What I mean is, some comments describe the MC as she, some as he. Some wonder what type of fence it is, some wonder about the time frame, some about the darkness with shadows and cursing out loud. Since you've left a lot of fundamental things up in the air, the reader will fill them in with their own 'pictures'. When you later tell us that it's a girl, in the middle of a little village, and she's trying to steal a sword, that won't match up with a lot of the pictures we've created. Even if your picture is wonderful, some of us will have our pictures come crashing down.

    The way to avoid that is to give us little hints that help guide our pictures. Something to suggest the gender/age of the MC, a good picture of the wall, maybe a sense of the general location.

    And be careful about getting caught up in your imagery without explaining it to the reader. It's dark, but the MC sees the black dog? (I have a black dog that disappears in about two feet when we let her out at night) The fence casts a shadows - from what light? You have the complete picture, but you need to step back and make sure your words give us the details we need to make sense of the scene.

    It's a good start and I think the scene can work very well. Just give us a little more to let us share the correct story with you. Good luck!

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  13. Thanks again, everyone! I made my first revision and will keep in mind the comments I didn't incorporate yet for the future. In case anyone stops by again, feel free to let me know if the revisions helped!

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  14. Faydra, I agree with you on "panting." I'm switching it back. :) Thanks!

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  15. Hi Laura!

    I like these 250 words, before and after. This time I'll try to go into more detail.

    In the second paragraph, I agree with a comment Michelle made--the word 'Finallly'. Like she suggested, the word 'Luckily' sounds better here.

    I also think changing 'the points of the boards' in the third paragraph would help. For some reason, this phrase feels off to me. Maybe try...'At the top, splintered boards dug into my torso' or 'weathered boards'. For me, using the word 'points' is redundant. We already know she's at the top. I think describing those points makes more sense than illustrating they're points. Hope that made sense...lol

    The next paragraph 'I held onto the top' sounds blah, at least to me. Maybe a stronger verb, like 'clenched the top'. Replacing that weak verb with a stronger one, lets the reader get involved. If I were dangling from an eight foot fence, I'd certainly do more than hold on...lol

    The next paragraph I absolutely love. You've successfully put action, backstory, and foreshadowing together--in one little paragraph. I envy you for that!

    Once again, I really enjoyed this piece. Best of luck with it!

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  16. Hi Laura,

    Thanks for commenting on my first page. I really appreciate your input and brainstorming with me!

    I like your writing style and it flows really well. As for your note about adding what she is looking for, I think you can make the whole jumping-over-the-fence scene more concise since you spend almost four paragraphs describing it. Do we really need that scene in such detail? If you're able to cut it down a bit, you'd have room for the next paragraph which hopefully would provide more of the hook. I think this is a great start! Good luck to you!

    Shari

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